Kerrie's Testimony

I grew up in an extremely broken home, abuse of every kind. I took my first overdose at 12. At 13 I was pregnant, again at 16. At 17, I overdosed again. A family friend “helped” me after my mother didn’t want to know. She then went onto abuse me. This was all I knew. I hated myself and felt nothing but shame and worthless. I could talk about my childhood abuse, but could not talk about a female abusing me as an “adult”. At 23 I had 3 children, but was severely struggling with the past.

I started at The City Church, and became a Christian, but was still being eaten away. I overdosed 3 times in one week. When I was in hospital thinking that I was going to die, I tried to tell someone, but just couldn’t get it out. I couldn’t understand why God would let this happen! 2009 I ended up in an abusive marriage and 3 more children. 2011 my granddaughter was born sleeping. Angry and hurt by God I left the church, and separated Jesus from God. January 2018, I came back to try and sort my relationship with God out! I ended up hitting the ground again. After a failed attempt at suicide in January 2019, I ended up in hospital. Armed with worship and bible verses on my wall, I spent a week with God alone. After a few weeks I started to feel better and started seeing a Christian counsellor. I saw my doctor and told her I was feeling better. She asked how, and I told her through my faith. Her response was “that’s good, but it won’t sustain you”! I was still struggling especially with how God would allow all that had happened to me. I learned that God didn’t want it to happen, and didn’t just sit and watch, but probably reached out to the perpetrators and tried to get them to stop. Because of Gods precious gift of free will, they chose not to!

When bad things happen and I don’t understand why, or I come under attack, I tend to get angry with God and decide I don’t want or need Him anymore. I stop worshipping and reading my bible, and run from God. I just end up feeling lost and know that I need to turn back to God, but I have a stubborn heart! Eventually I give in and return to where I need to be. This has been a pattern for years, even though when I get through the storm I can reflect and see that God was there through it all. He was still sustaining me and not letting me go anywhere! I still am walking through stormy waters, but now I do it knowing God is right beside me. I can now stand steadfast in God’s love and hope in His promises, so instead of running from, I run to. I no longer sit scrolling through Facebook when I’m low, instead I scroll through the word of God and try and keep my eyes fixed on Him, His plans and promise, for only He can sustain us!